Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
