apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
