Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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