I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
