You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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