So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
