mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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