Your face is a jimmy john
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
