I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
