Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
