Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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