She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
