Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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