A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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