i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
