Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
