ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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