im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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