Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
