i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sext me about skeletons
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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