you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
