dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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