Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
