Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
