This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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