the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
