On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
