Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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