i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
