dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
