please come you make the beer taste better
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
