My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
