All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Terrible idea I love it
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
