Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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