So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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