It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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