I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
