You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
