My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
