My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
