Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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