Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
