Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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