theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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