"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
