it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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