You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
