For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
