My friends, they love my intelligence
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
