I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
