I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
