i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
