Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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